[Resource] Is my Character a Mary Sue?

Guest

This thread is dedicated to those who would like to have their characters checked out. Why would we even need a thread for that you wonder? If you find yourself thinking, "I already wrote the perfect character, I don't need to have it checked!" That's all the more reason to have your character looked at.

Perfect characters are boring. Usually, perfect characters also turn out to be Mary Sues. Here is the perfect video to explain what I mean:

So, let's all balance and check our original characters. Let's give our characters some FLAWS!

KEEP IN MIND:

This isn't a place to bash a person's character, but rather a place to give advice on how to enhance the character and make them more interesting. We want to help to give them more heart and background. Maybe make ourselves think about how our characters will develop within our stories. Let's turn the Mary or Gary Stu into a character that is more relatable to our potential readers!

Outer Senshi Admin Roleplay Director

I'll go first!

Erimentha/Sailor Tellus wrote:

Character Information

Name: Erimentha (Greek: determined protector) Ajax (Greek: of the Earth)

Age and Date of Birth: 14; January 15

Gender: Female

Race: Human

Birthplace: Athens, Greece

Job: Daughter.

Appearance: Though she prefers a person’s personality to their looks, Erimentha nonetheless takes pride in her resemblance to her beautiful mother, and often idolized the woman’s fashion sense. The two share their tanned skin, big brown eyes and “Aphrodite’s lips,” a term her mother used to describe the slight pout of their bottom lip as it has characteristics similar to the statues of the goddess of love. Erimentha’s hair is a shade darker than her mothers, but her mother always complimented it, declaring it was a mark of a good head on her shoulders that her hair be the color of fertile loam.
Of all of her features, only one stands out as belonging to her father’s side of the family – her nose. A true, Greek nose, her mother praised, with the classic straight shape, as opposed to her mother’s “Roman nose” with the little bump on the bridge. Her mother would often make fun of her own nose, saying it belonged to the cat, and Erimentha fervently defended it, sure that her mother was absolutely perfect in every way.
Overall, Ermentha’s body shape is similar to an ash tree – slender, flexible and strong. Though her father now urges her to gain a little weight, claiming that it would make her more beautiful, she refuses, preferring herself to appear as a nymph rather than ‘some rich man’s status item.’ She stubbornly sticks to this explanation, even to those that know her best and see that it is nothing more than her attempt to hold onto her childhood, her refusal to move on to womanhood and marriage in favor of keeping memories of her mother alive.

Together, she and her mother would weave and craft their outfits, from everyday chitons and peplos to festival wear, and would oftentimes match their outfits when they went to market, else, after Erimentha turned 8, coordinate colors and styles. Like most Greek of the day, Erimentha doesn’t wear shoes unless traveling.

Erimentha:
[Resource] Is my Character a Mary Sue? Sailor10

Chiton examples:
[Resource] Is my Character a Mary Sue? Chiton10

Hobbies/Occupations:

Weaving
attending to temples
collecting pretty shells, flowers, and pale pink rocks

Skills/Abilities:

Weaving
organizing (objects and events)

Personality: Overall, Erimentha is a calm person, stable enough for others to depend on and wise enough that friends and relatives occasionally seek her opinions when in need of consult. She’s a quick thinker and picks things up easily, and is imaginative enough to apply what she has learned to new and seemingly difficult problems to make them easier to deal with. One of her greatest strengths is her work ethic – she is a hard worker, methodical in her workings and detail-conscious of the overall picture. She enjoys having an organized world, and often turns to organizing when stressed about different situations. These traits make her father seek her aid in their shop, and while she is lukewarm about the man, she does enjoy the day-to-day challenges the market provides.

Along with these traits, she is patient, especially towards young people and tasks she is working on. Good things take time, and she’s willing to wait. In new endeavors she is cautious, always thinking through her options before deciding… and once she has decided upon a course of action, it is difficult to dissuade her. Her stubbornness flaunts itself in these situations – if she believes it to be right, then it is right. If she thinks it is the best option, than it is the best, or she will make it the best.

She has been known to suffer jealousy on occasion, especially in circumstances when someone that was her fan is paying more attention to another, and can turn cold and harsh to the usurper of that attention. She’s a little possessive in that way, but this possessiveness towards people she likes, or people who have earned her respect, earns them a great deal of loyalty from her. She does not suffer disrespect towards the people she likes, and her protectiveness of them can only be called bravery, especially when in the face of someone twice her size or age.

She tends to believe in the good side of people, especially girls and women, but oftentimes is too trustful towards those she has only just met, as she holds others to the standards she set forth for herself. She is trustworthy, so they should be, too. She is responsible for her own actions, dependable and reliable, is honest, and always keeps her promises, and though she is a practical girl and has a strong common-sense code, she mistakenly believes that because she upholds such things, others will, too, by default.

She is religious, and oftentimes aligns herself with the goddess of wisdom and war, Athena; and while she keeps the ethics intact, she is concerned with physical wellbeing rather than spiritual attainment, despite her claims that she would turn to priestess-hood in the future if she cannot become a courtesan.

She doesn’t gamble or take any unnecessary chances, and dislikes surprises. Friends know her to be reliable, steadfast and a little predictable.

Biography/History: Erimentha was born in Athens during what would come to be known as the Herioc age of civilization ((Timeline note: this age comes before the time of Prince Endymion, but reflects heavily upon the bronze age)). Her father’s family had always lived in Athens, working as merchants to the elite as they climbed the social ladder, getting ever closer to their goal of being ‘somebodies’ in the capital of the world. Their trade primarily involved importing exotic goods from all over the world; however, the actual travel part of their trade was upheld by the younger sons within the family, while the eldest handled things in Athens. As fate would have it, the eldest son of the previous generation accompanied his uncle on a trip to northern Greece to obtain Manna, the ‘honey’ of the Ash Tree, and found that the owner of the largest orchard had a daughter of marriageable age. He proposed, the father accepted, and he returned to Athens with a promised wife and a solid trading future with that family.

The two were married during the winter months and she came to live with him. Fortuitously, the woman’s first pregnancy bore them a son, an heir to the Ajax trading business, and named him Aristos. Her next pregnancy was not as smooth as the first, and after their daughter was born, physicians forbade her from having more children, claiming she had been slighted by Hera and would not survive another childbirth. The couple was not sad - the father had a healthy young boy to pass his business on to, an heir; the mother, a beautiful baby girl she named Erimentha, meaning ‘the collector of thoughts,’ as she hoped the child would be wise.

Years passed and soon the mother was convinced her child deserved the other meaning of Erimentha: ‘determined protector.’ She was smart, true, but her loyalties often lead to stubborn or harsh defense of her loved ones at the mere mention of discontent towards them – a trait she patiently worked on with the child in hopes it would not get her in trouble one day. Overall the child was cautious and organized, hardworking, honest and trustworthy, and she was very proud of the girl. The two were thick as thieves, growing and living together in the “women’s quarters” of the house with a few other female members of the Ajax family. They attended to the management of the house, something Erimentha excelled at with her methodical mind and attention to details, assisted in the education of the children, and made clothing. Her father left them alone for the most part; the ruling by the physicians giving him cause to seek womanly comfort in the brothels, so really he only saw them for dinner, occasionally, or when he needed something.

As she grew older, Erimentha found she did not enjoy the thought of marriage, not in this place where men can do whatever they wanted and sleep with whomever they chose, while women, even true Citizens of Athens, had to tend to the homes, the children and the sick. She preferred a future as a hetaerae, an educated courtesan who could speak her mind and share her opinions, a woman who was also a public figure. She could own her own property and even attend symposia (the debates and forums for ideas). The downsides of being a courtesan, the inability to produce legitimate heirs and political vulnerability, meant nothing to a ten year old, and, thinking it was a phase, her mother encouraged her towards this end, also mentioning she could swear vows to a god or goddess and become a priestess, if she so chose. Erimentha kept this idea on her mind, as well.

When she was eleven, Erimentha’s mother died of a sudden illness. It took the girl a long time to get over her mother’s death, and to this day she is not completely healed of the gaping hole the loss within her.

As she neared womanhood, her father became a looming figure in her life, encouraging her to go out into the marketplace more and gain the interest of suitors, else help in one of their shops to make herself useful. His eye was on marrying her off as soon as possible; the average age for girls to be married was fifteen. The average age of their suitors… thirty. Her plans? Not to become a wife.

Likes/Dislikes:
Likes

Collecting things
Honesty
Meditation

Dislikes

Gambling
Surprises

Weaknesses/Strengths:
Strengths

Dependable/Reliable
Diligent
Pragmatic, no-nonsense approach to life
Patient

Weaknesses

Often blind adherence to rules and regulations
Slow to react to situations
Occasionally harsh with people
Doesn’t think well under pressure
Predictable**(not necessarily a weakness)
Stubborn

Quote:

Dream(s): To become a courtesan, else a priestess; anything but a wife to an unknown man twice her age.

Family:

Father: Ajax. Trader.
Mother: deceased.
Brother: Aristos. Friendly enough. {*}Aunts:_____
Nieces: ______
Nephews:______

Other Noteworthy Facts:

Senshi Information

Senshi/Sailor Name and Title: Sailor Terra/Tellus

Senshi Quote: “By Gaia, you will be stopped!” In ancient Greece, Oaths sworn in the name of Gaia were considered the most binding of all, as none could escape the influence of the Earth herself.

Realm of Influence(s): Earth

Symbol: A circle with a small, equal-armed cross on top of it, appearing to be an upside down version of the symbol of Venus. This denotes their status as sister planets.
[Resource] Is my Character a Mary Sue? Oldear10

[Resource] Is my Character a Mary Sue? Oldear10

**At the time of her death, the symbol of Earth changes drastically, incorporating the love the terran senshi had for the sol guardian. The cross that sat atop the symbol for Earth is transposed within it, centered within the circle just as the solar sign is a dot precisely in its center. From then on, the symbol took the name of the ‘sun cross’.
[Resource] Is my Character a Mary Sue? Newear10

[Resource] Is my Character a Mary Sue? Newear10

Item(s):
Henshin item: Sailor Terra transforms through the use of a bronze bracelet that wraps itself around her wrist three times. The start and the end of the trinket are marked with the symbol of Earth.

Sailor Crystal: Bronze Crystal of Earth* ((this crystal transforms into the Golden crystal at the end of Sailor Terra’s lifetime))

Weapon: Sailor Terra uses an Adamantine long sword with a golden hilt, and its history is a glorious one that started near the beginning of the Bronze Age of humanity. It was told to her that the previous owner of the blade was none other than the hero Perseus, who used it to kill the gorgon Medusa on his adventures, hundreds of years ago, and has been used by other heroes that came before her to do battle with monsters of evil, but this was still not the first incarnation of the blade. Gaia herself created this adamantine in the form of flint, which she formed into a giant sickle. This sickle she gave to her son, Kronus, to kill her lover Uranus for being cruel to her, and Kronus, more loyal to his mother than his father, used the sickle to castrate Uranus, killing him and bringing about the birth of the Meliae, the mothers of the humans in the bronze age of man. After Kronus’s use of the sickle, Gaia reshaped it into a sword, which she gifted to those heroes she saw fit to bear it.
The sword appeared during Sailor Terra’s first fight with chaotic evil, pushing itself out of the soil in front of her. As soon as she grabbed the blade she knew of its history and vowed to use the powerful gift in the name of her great mother, Gaia, to do her bidding and keep the peace on their green planet.
Sailor Terra must summon the blade to use it, and it always appears by coming out of the Earth, hilt-first. When she is finished, she returns it to the earth, blade down, and the Earth gently accepts it. It has the ability to power-up, should its normal form or her use be not enough to vanquish the evil; by putting her life on the line and praying for Gaia’s help, the sword loses its flint color and turns to pure diamond. Though the two are both adamantine materials, the diamond form of the sword feels lighter and is more capable of dealing energetic damage.

Henshin/Transformation: After shouting the phrase “Terra Power, Make-up!” the bracelet on Erimentha’s wrist glows and straightens itself, flinging away from her body as her clothing changes into her sailor fuku. The straightened bracelet, framed by the symbol of Earth, positions itself behind Sailor Terra and bends itself, fitting in as the single bronze stripe of her sailor collar and melting into a metallic sheen on the material. The symbols come together and fade into the button in the center of her chest, leaving a faint golden outline on the bronze-colored circular button.

Outfit
(Fuku): [Resource] Is my Character a Mary Sue? Sailor12

[Resource] Is my Character a Mary Sue? Sailor12

Signature Colors: Soil brown (primary) and forest green.

Tiara: Golden, with a brown stone set in the center. ALTERNATIVE: A thin bronze circlet, adorned by a bronze-colored stone set in the center. This circlet sits just above her hairline, keeping her bangs away from her face.

Choker: A thin bronze choker that mirrors her tiara both in material, and the presence of the bronze-colored circular stone set in its center. This stone sits snuggly on her neck, so much so that she can easily feel it when she screams, but not so snug that it chokes her.

Collar: The collar of this bronze-age senshi uniform makes itself into a light-weight cloak held together by a bronze button with a faint outline of the Earth symbol etched into it. The cloak/collar is outlined with one solitary bronze line, created by the bracelet.

Brooch & Front Bow: Her uniform has no bow, but the brooch that holds her cape in place is bronze with the faint etching of Earth set into it.

Bodice: The under-bodice of her senshi uniform is white, but a little loose to allow for movement. It holds itself in place both by slight, off the shoulder sleeves, and by use of the outer bodice – a forest green armored miniature top that protects her chest and provides support. The outer bodice has tangible cap-sleeves, and is outlined in an intricate black pattern.

Skirt & Back Bow: Her skirt is a rich brown in color, the same shade as her cloak, and sits at her natural waistline and extends to midway down her thigh. It is a loose-fitting skirt, allowing generously for leg movement, and is outlined in a bronze pattern on bottom. The top of the skirt has a lighter pattern and is stitched to hold the skirt in place; to better align it to her hips (and provide a bit more modesty when fighting) a golden belt sits at her hip-line, weighing the skirt down when in movement.

Gloves: No gloves.

Shoes: Her boots come up mid-calf and are flat on the bottom, composed of material that covers completely the back and side of her legs, but leaves the front, from tip to toes, open, sewn shut with decorative, bronze-colored lacings. The shoes are open toed, as is in fashion.

Accessories: On her arms, matching the belt at her hips, are gold draperies, studded with bronze medallions. She wears bronze earrings, and, at her wrist, is a thick bronze bracelet, similar and yet different from the transformation bracelet.

Attacks:

Energy Requirement - High
Accuracy – 75% (escape possible if a.) agile enough to jump over created ravine or b.) quick enough to get out of the ravine before it closes around them).
Appearance – A ravine opens in front of / around the intended target. If the target falls inside, the Earth quickly closes around them, trapping within.
Effects – crushing or entrapment.
Weakness – Must be on open soil.

Energy Requirement – Average/Varies
Accuracy – 90% (escape possible only if her aim is off)
Appearance & Effects – At her call, a wall of stalagmites emerge from the earth to form a barrier, either protective (if surrounding the senshi) or supportive (if summoned to stop the enemy’s advance or keep the enemy in place). The more energy put into it, the greater number of stalagmites summoned and the greater ability to control their configuration (wall, circle, etc.). **Possible to use in conjunction with someone who uses a shield to create a platform…hinthint

Senshi/Sailor History: Sailor Terra was awakened through a prayer to the mother goddess of Earth – Gaia – as the girl Erimentha witnessed an attack on the way home from her father’s shop. She gave chase, having known the young girl they targeted, and followed them outside the city. She tripped and fell. When she righted herself, the attackers were far ahead – too far for her to reach. Fearing that their crime would go unpunished, she swore the greatest oath she could to stop them and bring them to justice, not knowing at the time how she would ever accomplish such a feat. At her utterance, a bracelet snaked itself out of the earth under her palms and wrapped itself around her right wrist, the material warm on her skin. A phrase came to mind, and when she yelled “Terra Power, Make Up!” she transformed. Confused, she stood and gave chase once again, but still they were too far ahead. “Shuddering Earth Quake!” she yelled, and, like magic, the earth shuddered ahead, tripping the attackers into a small ravine that appeared without warning. Quickly, before they could move, the ravine suddenly closed, the Earth swallowing them whole.
Erimentha was shocked, unable to believe that in her attempt to stop them, she had killed them.

Mission: To protect Earth from residual Chaos elements.

Guardian: None.

Guest

First of all, wow! What a character profile! I will make sure to use yours an outline for my own.

I think that you have a pretty good balance. The only thing I found myself truly wondering is this:

What kind of an effect did losing her mother have on Erimenthatha's personality? Did it enhance any flaws or did it increase any positive ones? How, and why?

Outer Senshi Admin Roleplay Director

XD I actually used the RP's original profile format to create her. It's now called an 'expanded' profile, I believe.

Oh! Good question - hmm. I think it just made her just a little more introverted, and a little more religious, too. And she's paranoid whenever someone falls sick. I think I showed this better in her first couple of chapters.

Do you (or anyone else) think that's believable?

Guest

I think I find her pretty believable. At first I was getting a Mary Sue alert based on her looks description, but when I began to see some flaws, I was like, oh okay. Question: How did her mother's death make her more religious? Will you elaborate on that?

Outer Senshi Admin Roleplay Director

Well, since she was born she was raised to believe in the gods and their divine purpose - her mother was very religious (she was who suggested Erimentha should try being a priestess rather than a courtesan, lol), and so when her mother passed she felt like it was the will of the gods.

And she prays that her mother is happy in the afterlife in the fields of Asphodel... or, even Elysium. She knows Elysium is meant only for heroes, but part of her wants to believe that her mother made it there, too - she was a hero in Erimentha's eyes, so shouldn't the gods respect that?

Also, Athena is a woman in power, the ultimate power in Athens - she respects that and enjoys that a female holds the most respected position in the city. Even if that female is a goddess.

Guest

Wow, I think it's so interesting to learn about your character because it shows how much research that you have put into learning about her environment. You're awesome, Kyra!

Outer Senshi Admin Roleplay Director

So does she pass the Mary Sue test? [Resource] Is my Character a Mary Sue? 2422052349

off topic:

Guest

I think she does. I think if you cut out the Sailor scout stuff and made her an character in an original story it would be an interesting read. Especially when she figures out what a courtesan does.

As far as looks go, I would say she is kind of Mary Sueish. Maybe there's something physically that isn't perfect about her? Like I don't know a birth mark or some kind of scar in a hidden place that she got as a child? Her looks seem to be that of perfection, which is exactly what a Mary Sue seems to be. However, I suppose if regardless of all that beauty she was incapable of getting the guy she wants or something of that type...

Kind of like Helen is more beautiful than Aphrodite, but she selfishly puts two kingdoms at war so then she can be with the hot guy in the next kingdom over? xD (I'd say that's quite a flaw!)

Other than looks, she seems like a genuinely non Mary Sue character. =)

Outer Senshi Admin Roleplay Director

Hooray!

@her looks:

Ooh... non sailor moon work...:

Pyramidal Crystal

Well, I've loved this character since you created her, Kyra-chan.

And, yes, physically, she's actually very "imperfect" for the time. If you look at the art - be it drawings, murals, carvings, etc - you'll find that the Greek women had very curvacious frames and the desirable ones were described as "fleshy". So when you take yourself out of the modern mindset and put it into the time period of Erimentha's, it makes quite a difference.

And, Kyra-chan, I never got the chance to read her story. Is it all posted on GC?

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[Resource] Is my Character a Mary Sue?

[Resource] Is my Character a Mary Sue?

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