So the idea that Tuxedo Mask's costume looks like Abraham Lincoln popped in my head. Then I wrote the rest. It's the manga with a few tweaks.

Chapter 1: Usagi-Sailor Moon

I was late for school. Again. Crap.

I ran down the hall, demanding my mother why she didn't wake me up. She replied, "I called you 5 hours ago!" Sheesh. A girl needs her beauty sleep. How could I look so good without it? 

Anyway, I was taking my sweet time going to school (I hate my English teacher) when I tripped. "Ow," I cried. I just tripped on a rock! "Oh, wait, it's a cat. Is it dead," I asked myself. I might get sued, damnit! I kissed it because it always works in Disney movies and asked, "You okay, kitty?" It kept on scratching its face. There was a band-aid! What idiot puts a band-aid on a cat? I ripped it off. Then it just stared at me. It was really scary. So I ran away.

When I got to school, my brat of a teacher, Ms. Haruna, was waiting for me with a paper in her hand. "Hi sensei," I told her. "Sorry I'm late, but a girl's gotta get her beauty sleep, y'know?" She looked really angry. "Excuse me sensei, but why do you look so mad? Is it PMS or something?" I patted her shoulder. She then shoved the paper in my face. I got a 30 on my semester exam! It's not that I'm a bad student or anything, I just really hate this class! All the syllables, and homophones…it's hard stuff! "Why are you so bad in my class, Tsukino-san," Ms. Haruna hissed. I retorted, "I have a theory: maybe the reason I have crappy grades in this class, is because I have a crappy teacher? Just think about it." The bell rang for lunch, thank god! "Well then, it's time for lunch, I gotta go," I pointed out. She walked into her classroom, muttering something about "that Tsukino-san". I yelled over my shoulder, "chibi you, too," while I headed to find my best friend, Naru-chan. 

"Hey, Usagi-chan, there you are," she squealed. "What's wrong?" I groaned. "Look." I handed her that stupid test. Naru's eyes widened. She gasped, "A 30?" Yumiko and Kuri walked up. "Oh, hey guys," I sighed. Suddenly Umino, the biggest nerd in the entire freaking universe, sat down right beside me. He has the the weirdest glasses in all of Japan; you can't even see his eyes! "Usagi, what's wrong? You look sad! Hey everyone, I got a 95 on my semester exam! Isn't that great?" I snapped, "No, Umino, it's not great at all, because I got a damn 30, you jerk!" Naru grumbled. "I got an 85, you beat me again, and I actually studied!" Umino started blabbing about Sailor V, his newest obsession. Apparently she's a "pretty-suited Sailor Senshi of Love and Justice". I laid my head in my hands. Is there a Sailor Senshi that gets rid of bad grades? That would actually be helpful! Naru is worse than me at English, and she beat me! "Usagi, are you alright," Umino wondered stupidly. Naru barked, "Why would she be okay? Get the chibi out of here!" He ran off, finally. Then Naru told us about the jewelry sale her mom was having. Kuri mentioned that Naru's mom sells rubies and diamonds! Wow! "I wish I could get some…" I said. Naru declared, "You all should come over!" We cheered. My mom won't mind, because she loves me, and maybe if I get her something, she'll forgive me for that dumb test!

When we got to Naru's mom's jewelry store, it was packed. I could barely walk in there! Her mom was yelling in a megaphone, and there was a bunch of women everywhere. "Hi Mom," Naru called as her mother made her way to us. "Hello, Naru, dear! And you brought your friends! Wonderful! There's a sale on! Everything's 90% off," she exclaimed. 90%? Is she a crackhead or something? Last time I checked, this stuff was supposed to be really expensive! I saw a 6-year old buying emerald earrings! A 6-year old! Little kids shouldn't be able to buy this stuff! 

I then realized that I had no money, because I spent it all already for my mani pedi. What? I don't want my hands and feet looking unladylike! I told my friends goodbye and trudged glumly out of the store. My mom was gonna kill me! Then I got an idea: trash the test! She'll never know! So I threw it behind me.

I couldn't think this day could get any worse, but just then, it did. That stupid, stupid test hit some guy in the face! He was wearing a freaking tuxedo (really?) and these really ugly sunglasses. The guy started yelling at me on the sidewalk! Seriously, people need to teach their children some manners! I have just had it with the whole world. "Hey sunglasses," I snarled, "why do you have to ruin random strangers lives? Is this an everyday thing, or what?" He stared at my test. "Really? A 30? Is it because you're a blonde, or did those odangos seep into your brain," he responded. I snatched it back from him, blushing angrily. "I just really hate English, okay? Jeez, you're really rude!" He laughed. "I'm not as rude as you, Odango!" Did this worthless piece of garbage just call me Odango?! Obviously he doesn't know what a mess he's going to get into! So I grabbed his dumb sunglasses and sang my rendition of this American song called "Cooler Than Me." It's probably the only good thing about America, besides McDonald's. 

"If I could write you a song to make you stop pissing me off, 
I would already be home eating dinner by now. 
I used up all of my tricks, I hope you'll shut up after this. 
But you probably won't, you think you're cooler than me. 
You got designer shades, 
just to hide your face, 
and you wear 'em around like you're cooler than me. 
And you never are nice, 
and you're really rude,
and it's probably cause you think your cooler than me. 
You got your tuxedo, tie on your neck,
And you wear it around like it ain't sh*t.
But you don't know, 
the way that you look, 
when your jacket makes that much noise.
Shh, see, I got you all figured out.
You need to torture teenage girls just to feel seen.
Behind your sunglasses, 
nobody knows who you even are,
who do you think that you are?
If I could write you a song to make you stop pissing me off, 
I would already be home eating dinner by now. 
I used up all of my tricks, I hope you'll shut up after this. 
But you probably won't, you think you're cooler than me. 
You got designer shades, 
just to hide your face, 
and you wear 'em around like you're cooler than me. 
And you never are nice, 
and you're really rude, 
and it's probably cause you think your cooler than me. 
You got your tuxedo, switch in your walk.
And you don't even look when you pass by.
But you don't know, 
the way that you look, 
when your jacket makes that much noise.
Shh, see, I got you all figured out.
You need to torture teenage girls just to feel seen.
Behind your sunglasses, 
nobody knows who you even are,
who do you think that you are?
If I could write you a song to make you stop pissing me off, 
I would already be home eating dinner by now. 
I used up all of my tricks, I hope you'll shut up after this. 
But you probably won't, you think you're cooler than me. 
You got designer shades, 
just to hide your face, 
and you wear 'em around like you're cooler than me. 
And you never are nice, 
and you're really rude, 
and it's probably cause you think your cooler than me. 
Cause it sure seems,
you got no doubt.
But we all see,
you got your head in the clouds.
If I could write you a song to make you stop pissing me off, 
I would already be home eating dinner by now. 
I used up all of my tricks, I hope you'll shut up after this. 
But you probably won't, you think you're cooler than me. 
You got designer shades, 
just to hide your face, 
and you wear 'em around like you're cooler than me. 
And you never are nice, 
and you're really rude, 
and it's probably cause you think your cooler than me." 

I tossed that jerk his stupid glasses back. He was stunned, like I planned. (See? I'm brilliant!) Then I heard applause! A crowd had gathered. This one guy handed me $10! I guess they thought it was a show or something. What the hell us going on? I had to get going. "Bye, Jerk," I yelled as I ran off.

I was almost home when a sign caught my eye. There was a new Sailor V game in the arcade. I glanced at my $10 bill. Well, Mom always says to live like it's your last day so…I walked in the arcade. The game was easy until I got to Level 15. This really nice guy that worked there started to help me. As I was leaving, like an apparition of a ghost, I saw that damned cat from this morning! "Why is there a cat in here," I pondered. The guy laughed. He told me, "That cat's been coming here a lot." It had a bald spot on its head and it just kept staring at me! This is the freakiest, weirdest, worst day ever! I left and headed home.

My mom greeted me at the door. "Hello, Usagi! How was your day?" I sighed. "It was okay." She smiled. "That's good. Oh, by the way, did you get your test scores back? I ran into Umino and he said he got a 95." Oh god! I'm so dead! I smoothed out that cursed paper and handed it to my mother. "YOU GOT A 30," she shrieked. I cringed and whispered, "But English is the hardest language to learn! And I have a crappy teacher…" The fire in my mother's eyes could be seen from miles away. "GET OUT," she roared. Ugh. She kicked me out. What a wonderful mother. My stupid little brother, Shingo, who is a real pain in the neck, stuck his tongue at me through the window. That little rat! I started cursing at him and my mother and everything through the window until they finally let me in.
I flopped on my bed, exhausted after having the most terrible day ever! I fell asleep and had a weird dream. I was in the Sailor V game, and i beat the final boss! That guy from the arcade was there, and the unlucky cat was there too. It's even following me in my dreams! The weirdest part is the bald spot, I swear, it's almost scary! Then it scratched me, for some reason. I didn't mean to trip on it! Or make fun of its bald spot! God, now a damn cat is mad at me! Haven't I pissed enough people already? I woke up, slightly dazed. I felt my face to make sure I wasn't bleeding. Then I heard a meow.

The cat was sitting on my bed! Oh my god, I have a stalker! And it's a cat! This is freaking insane! "Why do you insist on thinking I have a damn bald spot? I mean seriously, why would a cat have a bald spot? A crescent moon bald spot? Do you have a brain that actually works?" It talks. Great. And it has a really big mouth! "Why are you being so rude," I asked. "Why are you talking, how can you even talk, what is going on?" The cat groaned. "My name is Luna." I snickered. Luna? That so corny! Luna means moon in Latin, and this cat, if it was a cat, has the moon thing on her forehead! Really? What happened to creativity? "Stop spacing out," Luna nagged. I moaned, "You sound like my mom!" Maybe it's her cat twin or something. She continued, "I've been searching for you for a while, and…Usagi! Listen to me!" She was a stalker! I knew it! 

Then Luna threw this thing at me. I picked it up. It was kind of round like a compact. "What is it," I asked, tossing it in my hands. "It's a brooch, y'know, like a pin, clip it on your bow," she sighed. It was actually really cute. At least the cat had fashion sense! "Usagi, you're a Sailor Senshi and you have to find your allies, our princess, and defeat the enemy! Do you understand?" God, this cat is annoying. "Yeah, sure, whatever." Luna smiled and told me to say "Moon Prism Power Make Up." I did just that.
Lights flashed around me for a second. It was the strangest feeling. I looked at myself on the mirror. What the hell?! I was wearing a sailor fuku with a really short miniskirt. I had on red boots and a mask. There was weird hair barrettes in my Odango hairstyle. This definitely topped my list of "Weird Stuff that Happened Today." Forget what I said about Luna having good fashion sense because this is just… Suddenly I saw Naru-chan in the store being choked by this old hag! I yanked the mask off. "What's going on?" My voice trembled. I had to go save my best friend! Then I climbed out my window and headed to the jewelry store.

I busted through the doors and screamed, "Let go of her, you ugly bastard!" The beast of a woman twisted her head around like in a horror movie. Ew! "Who the chibi are you?" Oh. I have like, a superhero name, or something? "Luna, who am I?" She replied that I'm Sailor Moon. What kind of name is that? Why Moon? This didn't make any sense, but whatever. "I'm Sailor Moon, the beautiful, bad a** Sailor Senshi of Love and Justice," I announced with a wink. Luna muttered something about how she never said that other stuff, but who cares? The monster lady groaned. "I don't give a crap. Minions, go destroy her or something!" Wow. I'm so scared. With that speech, she could put senior citizens to sleep! Then the zombie people came. They were actually kind of strong. Which was bad for me. I got pushed to the ground and started bleeding. "Oh no, I'm bleeding!" Luna facepalmed her forehead. "Fight them, baka!" A cat just called me an baka?! Oh hell no! I screamed every dirty word I knew at that wretched cat! The zombie people started falling to the ground. I guess the weird hair things enhance my voice. Or I was just too awesome for them to handle. Suddenly I heard this guy yell "Shut up!" What's his problem? Luna jumped on my head. "What do you want," I whined. Luna yelled, "Throw your tiara at that thing and say "Moon Tiara Boomerang!" Oh. The thing on my forehead was a tiara. I thought tiaras are supposed to be on top of your head, but it's a really weird uniform. I did what she told me. The old bat turned to dust. She was freaking annoying and disgusting. Maybe I can throw this thing at Umino!

Then the guy that told me to shut up appeared. He has a tuxedo with a cape, a mask, and a top hat. I laughed. This is just sad. "Are you supposed to be Abraham Lincoln or the Phantom of the Opera?" He sneered, "I'm Tuxedo Mask." Wow. I'm so impressed by him and his dumb name, considering that he did absolutely nothing to help me! Jerk. I mumbled, "Who made up your name? It was probably who designed your outfit, because they're both horrible." He smirked. "Well, who came up with your name? What's with the moon theme?" I blushed. "Ask the crazy talking cat!" He glared at Luna. "I'm not telling," she snapped. "Somebody's been drinking Haterade," we said simultaneously. She complained, "Oh god. Lets go. I don't like that idiot with a cape!" I turned around to apologize, so he wouldn't hate me like the rest of the world, but he was gone. That was rude! But she did make a good nickname for him.

As I was walking home with Luna, I realized that the idiot with a cape had a tux identical to that jerk from earlier. They looked alike too, and they were both big jerks. "Hey Luna, I think I know who that guy was." She sighed. "Whoever could it be?" I told her about him and my theory. "Usagi, that's so stupid! You just met that guy, and from your story, he doesn't seem like the kind of person who'd run around in a ugly costume at night!" I protested, "Well, he's the kind of person who yells at strangers, wearing a tuxedo in the middle of the day with ugly sunglasses!" The cat yawned. "We'll talk later, I'm tired." We finally got home and I crawled into bed.

After that, I knew one thing. This was gonna be one hell of a ride.

So yeah, that's Chapter One. The chapters are named after the names of the manga's by the way. (That is okay, right?) I will write Chapter 2 soon. Please leave your comments!

What do you mean parody? This is everything that happened in canon!
xD Nice job! Can't wait for Act 2!

I don't know exactly…it was 2 am. I'll change it

Okay this is chapter 2!

Chapter 2: Ami-Sailor Mercury

"I'm home," I called as I met my mom at the door. She replied, "Hello, how was your day?" Well, it was just an average day, nothing crazy happened like the other day, so I said, "It was good." My stalking, talking cat, Luna, followed me through the door. My mom smiled. "Hey, baldie cat." First mistake. She picked the kitty up. Second mistake. Luna is very aggressive. My mother went to get her first aid kit for her scratches as I went upstairs to my bedroom. 

I used to be your average, 14-year old girl. Then that damn cat showed up. It gave me a brooch that transforms me into a oddly dressed superhero. Apparently I'm Sailor Moon, and I'm supposed to do a whole bunch of tasks, including finding my allies, protecting some princess, and killing the enemy, whoever they are. Which is a total waste of my time. And then there's that idiot with a cape, who's pretty much useless and only mocks me. He wears a tuxedo, a top hat, a mask, and of course, a cape. He looks so ridiculous! We have 3 things in common: a weird outfit, a crappy superhero name (His name is Tuxedo Mask, the worst name in history), and we both share a hatred of Luna. 

I crawled on my bed. Luna, being the stalker that she is, followed me. "Are you seriously gonna follow me everywhere? Because you're really pissing me off," I murmured. Luna scolded, "Just shut up! You have a lot of work to do! The enemy can appear any minute!" Oh god. She's so boring! "Who is the enemy, anyway," I asked. Luna slapped her forehead. She snapped, "They're not human, obviously. They're evil so they can't be in this world! Which is why you have to focus on finding your allies and the princess!" 

Great. Evil aliens, allies, and a princess. Where is the princess from? Is she an alien, too? And where will I find allies? Nobody has even freaking helped me! Not Sailor V, who's a Sailor Senshi like myself! Oh yeah, that idiot with the cape did absolutely nothing either! Except for chibi off Luna, which was actually kind of funny. "Luna, what if Sailor V and that tuxedo guy were our allies," I suggested. She whined, "Oh no, that guy better not be! He's stupid!" Somebody drank their daily dose of Haterade. I fell asleep while Luna was ranting about allies, "that tux guy", and dumb crap like that.

The next day, I actually got to school on time. Everybody was gossiping about some genius chick with an IQ of 300! Is that even possible? I have an IQ of 110, which is why my mother expects so much from me. But English is a completely different language! It's only easy to sing. 

Anyway, Umino, being the creeper he is, knows all about the girl, Mizuno Ami. Apparently she goes to this super snobby elite prep school thing called Crystal Seminar. "Isn't that place really expensive," I questioned. Umino stated, "Yeah, but her mom's a rich doctor." He's such a stalker! How else does he know this junk? My best friend, Naru-chan, sighed. "It must be great to be smart and rich!" Yumiko added, "But she's cold and has no friends. She just studies all the time." That must be terrible! Having no friends! At least she gets good grades. I glanced at my test scores. They were average, which is never good enough. Ugh.

I starting walking home. Then my stupid cat jumped on the poor genius girl's head. Mizuno- san was frightened, but then she starting petting her. It was really cute. They looked like they belonged on a greeting card or something. Luna finally saw me and jumped on my head! She's so rude! I decided to talk to Ami-san, she seemed pretty nice. "Hello, I'm sorry about my cat, that's was really rude of her!" I glared at Luna. Ami replied politely, "It's okay. At first I thought she was an angel because she kind of fell from the sky!" Then she blushed. What were they thinking? Ami's totally sweet! They're just being jerks. I don't get how Luna can be an angel though. She's more like devil spawn to me! 

"I'm Tsukino Usagi, and this is Luna," I told her. "You're Mizuno Ami, right?" She smiled. "Yup." I really want to become friends with her for some reason. It's a gut feeling I have. Weird. We reached the arcade, and then my cat ran off to who knows where. "Hey, do you want to go to the arcade? There's a Sailor V game there and a really nice, cute guy works there…" Ami giggled. "Why not?" We linked arms and headed in.

I showed her how to play and then I tried a couple of times. There's this damn monster that always beats me! Then Ami played, and get this: she got the high score! And she's never even played! Everyone was amazed. She won a prize from the game, too! It was this cute blue pen! "Wow, it's so cute, Ami," I squealed. I wanted one too! So I hit the machine, cursing, until a cute pink pen popped out. The guy who works there was mad, but Ami and I laughed. "You're so funny, Tsukino-san," she sputtered between fits of giggles. "Call me Usagi-chan," I told her. "Can I call you Ami-chan?" She looked so happy! "Sure," my new friend said shyly.

"Crap, it's late! I gotta go, Usagi-chan!" I remembered she had the stupid after school stuff. "Oh yeah, you go to that Crystal Seminar thing, right?" Ami-chan sighed. "Yeah, I go everyday. I have to good at school to become a doctor like my mother." That's so cool! She'll get to help people when she grows up! "Bye, Ami-chan," I called as she walked out into the cold rain. 

The next day Naru-chan invited me and the girls to Fauchon! They have this really delicious chocolate sundae! Kuri wasn't going. This was weird. She loves ice cream! "She has to go to that Crystal place," Yumiko sighed. Naru told me about how they learn stuff on the computer with discs, and then they take them home to study and become obsessed. I decided Ami-chan should come with us too.

I found her at the computer lab, taking notes. "Ami-chan, there you are," I squealed. "You're using your pen! I'm using mine too!" It was clipped in my pocket. "Do you wanna go get ice cream with us?" She started gathering her belongings. "Sorry, I have to go to Crystal Seminar." Then she left. Luna made the perfect entrance. "Hello," she told me as I stopped down to pat her head. "Ami-chan ditched me for her dumb studies," I pouted. I saw something on the floor. I guess Ami-chan dropped it. It was one of those disc things. So I headed out to that Crystal place to give it back.

There was this crazy lady ranting about how successful the program makes you. "That's total BS, " I protested but she still handed me a flyer. Ami-chan was on the cover! It claimed your grades will get higher and you can be a genius like her too. "Shouldn't you sign up, Usagi? Maybe your IQ will go above a 50," Luna sneered. Ugh. I retorted, "Just because I'm blonde, doesn't mean I'm an idiot!" Then I threw it behind me. "No, don't Usagi," Luna yelled, but it was too late.

I swear, this cat is unlucky, because guess who was standing behind me with a face full of paper? It was that jerk who made a fuss about me doing the same exact thing the other day! Crap! "What the chibi?! Why does this keep on happening? Odango, stop throwing trash at me! Do I like look like a trash can," he asked angrily. I glanced at his outfit. He was wearing a tuxedo again and the same ugly Oakley sunglasses! "Your outfit belongs in the trash," I remarked. Luna whispered, "Is this that guy you told me about? He's weird!" The jerk took off his sunglasses, thank god. "Did your cat just…speak?" Oh man, Luna just has the perfect timing! I replied, "Um, I think your tie is cutting off the oxygen to your brain, because cats can't talk! How can they talk? That's so stupid!" I laughed awkwardly and dashed away. "Luna, you idiot! Why'd you do that? Now I'm sure he's a stalker, and that he's Tuxedo whatever his name is, and he'll figure us out," I hissed. Luna replied, "Stop getting off track! We have to figure out what's up with this disc! Lets go to the computer lab." Ugh. We just got here. But I obeyed my cat.

We got to the computer lab and put the disc in. At first, it just seemed like your ordinary learning program, but after banging on the computer, with protest from Luna, it starting talking crap about "joining their great ruler" and to "gather data on the Silver Crystal." What the hell? A brainwashing program? "We gotta do something!"

We found the study group, and Ami-chan was there. Was she brainwashed, too? "Use your pen," Luna told me. My pen? What is it gonna do? "Say Moon Power and you'll be disguised into whatever you want!" A freaking pen can do that?! Where does she get this stuff? Anyway, I yelled, "Moon Power! Turn me into a doctor!" 

I looked at myself. I was wearing a cute doctor uniform with a stethoscope and everything. Cool. I starting posing around like a supermodel. "Stop playing around," Luna complained. I ran into the building, claiming I was on an emergency call. I burst into the classroom and ordered, "Get away from the computers! They'll make you sick! Trust me, I'm a doctor!" The crazy flyer lady from earlier turned around. "Who the chibi are you?" Oh crap. Is she like the old hag? Luna screamed, "What are you waiting for, transform!" Ugh. Not that weird sailor suit. But I had to save them.

"Moon Prism Power, Make Up!" I was back in my sailor fuku. "Why are you brainwashing innocent people, you jerk?! That's so messed up! I won't forgive you! I'm Sailor Moon, the beautiful, bad a** Sailor Senshi of Love and Justice! And in the name of the Moon, I'll punish you!" 

Then the stupid lady who turned into a monster started throwing papers at me. Pssh. What kind of attack is that? But when they hit I realized that they were actually razor sharp. Then I cried every curse word I knew in pain. The weird barrettes in my hair were reacting to my cursing and breaking the glass windows. Which was pretty cool. Luna yelled, "Cut it out, you're gonna scratch somebody with the glass! Aren't you going to save Ami?" Oh crap, Ami-chan! The monster lady was choking her and talking crap and Luna was telling Ami-chan to use her pen. Does her pen do weird stuff, too? A symbol appeared on her forehead, and then a cold fog filled the room. 

Now I couldn't see BS. Great. Then somebody grabbed me from behind. What the hell?! "Let go of me," I protested angrily. A man's voice hissed, "Just kick her!" Her? I kicked, and my foot hit something. I heard the crazy lady moan painfully. Oh. She was right in front me. Then whoever was behind me picked me up. 

It was the caped idiot, of course. Wearing the same stupid costume. "Y'know, the enemy was right in front of you. You should be more careful." I growled, "Oh, it's you again. Get your paws off me, you creep!" He put me down. "You should save your friends, or they might get eaten or something." He smirked and ran away. Wow. So helpful.
The monster shrieked, "There you are!" I have no idea why she wanted to kill me, but whatever. I threw my tiara thing and shouted, "Moon Tiara Boomerang!" She turned to dust. I think she was more annoying than the last one!

Luna ran to me. "Usagi!" Oh great. She's here. "Where's Ami-chan," I wondered. The fog lifted and Ami-chan was wearing a blue fuku. She's my ally? That's awesome! "The Sailor Senshi of Wisdom and Water, Sailor Mercury," Luna announced. Mercury? But that's a planet, and the moon is…the moon! Is this supposed to make sense? Ami-chan stammered, "Me? A soldier? Sailor Mercury?" 

At least she's a genius.

Ok, so that's chapter 2. Please give me feedback, people! I'm sorry it's so long, I'm a details freak

Bump! Please leave your comments, somebody, anybody…
I'm having writer's block right now so…I'll probably be writing chapter 3 at 1:00 tomorrow morning or something
I just realized Usagi sounds kind of like Maximum Ride… 

Black cats are good luck in Japan. not bad.

Really?
Oh. I'll fix that.

Cho kawaii!!!!