It had been three weeks since Kunzite had been reincarnated. Three weeks of confusion and agonizing pain. He would have thought becoming himself again and gaining the ability to serve his prince as he had so long ago would have made him happy, but he couldn't help the sadness that lingered in his eyes.

He had failed. So many times. Not just with his prince and with his kingdom, but with the one person who had every truly cared for him. 

Zoisite.

That day of reincarnation had passed in a blur for Kunzite. But he would never forget the look in his ex-lover's eyes. Ever since seeing Zoisite, Kunzite had avoided him like the plague. He couldn't face him - not after everything that had gone on between them in the Dark Kingdom. Kunzite didn't deserve the love that Zoisite had to give. 

As he walked down the hall for dinner, he pondered over the last several days. Despite his efforts to avoid Zoisite and anything that had to do with him, Jadeite didn't hesitate to give Kunzite hell about it. The thought caused Kunzite to clench his fists. Couldn't the dumb blonde get a hint?

He entered the dining hall and took his usual seat across from Sailor Venus's empty chair. Eating had been foreign, as well. In the Dark Kingdom, there was no need for food or drink. He was just an empty shell back then, and he still felt like one now.

Although it was nice to have his true form back, Kunzite couldn't help but wish for the days when he could hardly feel anything.

There were some days where Zoisite felt like he couldn’t even breathe. The memories of what he had done plagued him constantly. It had become his normal state of being during the three weeks since he had been reincarnated to have a constant headache and nausea. When the memories got particularly bad, it became difficult to breathe. Post-traumatic stress disorder they called it, if his research was to be believed. Whatever it was called, he wanted it to stop.
 
But this is what you get for all the crimes you committed. You must pay for your sins and suffer.
 
It didn’t help that Kunzite was avoiding him either. Were his crimes so inexcusable that his once longtime lover couldn’t bear to even look at him anymore? It hadn’t taken Zoisite very long to realize what Kunzite was doing and eventually the blonde stopped seeking the older man out.
 
You don’t deserve love. No one could ever love you like this. You’re broken, shattered. Who wants something that’s so obviously defective?
 
There were times when he simply felt too much and he would shut down. The numbness he felt was calming and he longed for those times. Anything was better than the turmoil of emotions he constantly felt.
 
Entering the dining room, he took his seat the table, his gaze barely flickering to Kunzite. What was the point? The man was ignoring him and as far as he was concerned, Zoisite didn’t exist. About a week after they had been reincarnated, Zoisite had managed to convince Nephrite, who customarily sat on the end of their little row, to trade places with him, in an effort to give Kunzite as much space as he could.

Kunzite felt his muscles tense, and he didn't even have to look up to know that Zoisite had entered the dining room. Nephrite sat on Kunzite's right, separating him from Zoisite, and Jadeite sat on his right. Across the table, the four sailor senshi sat together, and the king and queen sat on opposite ends. The meal was served, and all was silent for a few moments before Queen Serenity broke the silence, as always.

"Mako-chan, I heard a rumor that you made strawberry shortcake for dessert. Is it true?" the queen asked, eyes bright. Kunzite always found it amusing how Serenity could go from being serious and mature to being playful and excited. It all depended on who was in the room. For Kunzite, he was always the calm, cool, collected leader. There was no other side of him.

At least, there hadn't been. Not for a very, very long time. 

Kunzite zoned out the conversation, returning to his food that he had hardly any interest in eating. He was snapped out of his haze by Jadeite's rough nudge. Kunzite slowly turned his head, eyes warning the blonde that if he said anything stupid, he would pay for it later.

Either Jadeite ignored the glare, or he didn't care.

"So, Kunzite, I was waltzing down memory lane last night. And I remembered you two," Jadeite paused, pointing his pointer finger from Zoisite to Kunzite, "totally got caught kissing by Endymion."

A spray of mist exploded from both Nephrite and Ami's mouths, and everyone else just stared at Kunzite in shock. Kunzite's fists were clenched tightly at his sides, and he stared with the most blank, emotionless expression at Jadeite. But Jadeite knew better - there was death behind those eyes. 

The blonde man simply tossed his hands up in defense and said, "Nephrite dared me."

“Jadeite!” Rei admonished when he tried to defend his actions by shifting the blame onto Nephrite. Honestly, were they school children? Though the priestess couldn’t help but find herself curious about the information that had been presented. 

Zoisite could feel several pairs of eyes staring at him, but he paid them no heed. Try as he might, he couldn’t keep his eyes from sneaking a glance at Kunzite to gauge his reaction. He had an emotionless expression on his face, but the blonde knew his lover…ex-lover…better than anyone else. He was beyond livid. Was it because he was ashamed of his past dalliances with Zoisite?  

Clenching his fist in an attempt to stop his hand from shaking, he began to panic. Unable to stay to watch the fallout of this particular revelation, he forced himself to remain calm as he placed his cutlery back on the table, and pushed his chair back, the noise near deafening in the dead silent room. 

“If you’ll excuse me, I feel a migraine coming on.” Despite his efforts he knew his voice was unsteady, betraying the turbulent emotions underneath. He quickly headed for the exit, fleeing for the relative safety of his room. 

OOC:

Kunzite kept his eyes calm as he returned to his food, despite not having much of an appetite. He could tell by Jadeite and Nephrite's silence that they knew what would be coming later. The thought of yelling at them until either Nephrite cried or Jadeite peed his pants made Kunzite feel a little better.

Zoisite stood, and hearing his voice made that empty feeling in the pit of Kunzite's stomach grow larger. He swallowed hard, forcing himself not to look up to find that sad, lonely look in his ex-lover's eyes. Zoisite left, and it was all Kunzite could do not to stand up and go after him. He knew that Zoisite was probably upset, and just knowing that made the whole situation a lot worse. This was all his fault. If he had fought harder against Beryl, if he had been the leader his shittenou deserved, the man that Zoisite needed, none of this would have ever happened.

The meal continued in relative silence, with Queen Serenity attempting to start conversations every now and then. The senshi and remaining shittenou responded to her politely, but it was clear that no one was really in the mood to talk. Defeated, the queen eventually stopped trying after receiving a pitying glance from her husband. 

Kunzite finished his meal and excused himself, bowing to his king and queen before exiting the room. As soon as he was gone, he could hear Rei chastising Jadeite and Endymion scolding Nephrite. But he knew that the punishment his two shittenou received from them would be no where near the hell Kunzite would raise. 

Cape whistling behind him, Kunzite walked to Jadeite's room and shut the door behind him. Looking around, he noticed there weren't many things there other than the basic furniture items and some weaponry. But Kunzite knew better - there were things Jadeite was hiding.

As if it were second nature, Kunzite quickly found the magazine buried beneath Jadeite's mattress. With his lips curled in disgust and a look of triumph in his eyes, Kunzite began to rip the magazine's pages, only leaving one fully intact. With the explicit page in hand, he left the room (after tearing out a couple dresser drawers) and posted the image on the wall not too far from Rei's room. 

Kunzite felt satisfied, but not completely. He still needed to yell at them and get his burning rage out. He walked back to where their four bedrooms were located, stopping briefly outside of Zoisite's closed door. Should he say something? 

He could feel the magnetic pull drawing him to the room, almost as if there was an invisible string tying Kunzite and Zoisite together. With a sigh, Kunzite decided to gather his courage and knock on the door. A bead of nervous sweat tricked down his neck, but other than that, Kunzite appeared completely calm.

Zoisite barely kept it together as he hurried down the hall. He knew he was a coward for running from the dinner like he had. He would need to apologize to the King and Queen later, and beg their forgiveness. He couldn’t help but wonder what Kunzite was thinking about him right now.
 
Weak. Pathetic. Waste of space.
 
He’s probably wondering why he ever bothered with you, the nasty voice in his head said. Why wasn’t he capable of being the strong man that Kunzite deserved? Instead of was this pathetic mass that was barely able to keep himself together these days. Was his ex-lover upset with him for leaving as he had? Did he even care?
 
The blonde man was constantly assaulted by his memories of the atrocities that he had committed while he was under Beryl’s control. Just thinking about the woman made him sick to his stomach. As the memories were pretty constant, he barely ate and as consequence, had begun to lose weight…not that anyone had noticed.
 
They don’t care about you, that’s why they haven’t noticed.
 
Arriving to his room, he closed the door, leaning against it for the moment. Wearily, he rubbed his face with his right hand. He wanted nothing more than to collapse on his bed and sleep forever. Falling face first in his bed, he buried his face in his pillow, not even bothering to take his boots off. He would do so in a moment. Right now he just wanted to relax.
 
Why was he so weak?
 
He had only been dozing for a few moments before a loud knock on his door rang throughout his room. Zoisite felt his muscles tense in anticipation and fear. Who could be at his door? Everyone should still be at dinner. Please don’t be Kunzite, his mind desperately chanted as he slowly forced himself off his bed.  Shuffling to the door, he reached out, grabbing it with one hand and turned the knob revealing the person on the other side.
 
The Gods were not with him today.
 
“Kunzite.” The name came out breathlessly, almost reverently without Zoisite’s permission. Stupid, he’s going to think you’re some desperate floosy.

Kunzite felt his heart melt into a puddle on the floor when he heard Zoisite's voice. It was all he could do not to embrace the youngest shittenou.

'Stop it, Kunzite. You are a disgrace. You don't deserve him.'

Swallowing the lump in his throat, Kunzite squared his shoulders and said, "I...just wanted to apologize for Jadeite's behavior and...make sure you weren't upset with him." Kunzite wondered if Zoisite would be able to see the true reason why he had come - to check on him - or if he would accept Kunzite's excuse. "I won't be having any quarrels between us," he said, maybe trying a little too hard to prove his point.

He took a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves and maintain his collected appearance. "In case you were wondering, I took care of it," he said, a smirk playing at his lips as he remembered the magazine.

In truth, he was upset with Jadeite. Not so much about him knowing, or even telling the others, but because of the painful memories it bought. They had kept quiet about their love affair in the Silver Millennium, even though it wasn’t uncommon for same sex-pairings to exist. Zoisite hadn’t thought it unusual, given their positions and closeness to the Prince; it was better to keep any weaknesses under wraps after all. Now he couldn’t help but wonder if Kunzite had wanted it a secret because he was ashamed of Zoisite. His time with Kunzite had been some of the happiest times in his life, not that he deserved the older man in anyway.
 
“No, I’m not mad,” he lied, forcing a smile on his face. “I simply was not feeling well this evening.” When Kunzite mentioned that he had already taken care of it, Zoisite couldn’t help but raise his eyebrows in interest, conveying a silent ‘do tell’. The silver haired man in front of him had always had unique and creative ways of getting back at them when one of them ended up on his bad side.

Kunzite was silent for a few moments, staring at Zoisite. He knew the man was lying - he knew Zoisite better than Zoisite knew himself. But Kunzite decided not to push it. He needed to get away from here before he said anything he would regret. He was about to dismiss himself from the conversation when a piercing screech from somewhere in the castle stopped him.

"JAAAADEEIIIIIIIIIITTEEEE!!!!!"

Unable to contain it, Kunzite erupted with laughter. Judging by the sound of Rei's voice, she had found the magazine clipping, and was about to burn off all of Jadeite's dignity (not that he had much to begin with). He continued to laugh, but not because of his successful revenge. He had no idea what else to do, and the confusion and discomfort of the last few hours suddenly came crashing down in an uncontrollable fit of laughs.

Zoisite couldn’t help the blush that he knew was staining his cheeks under Kunzites intense gaze. He use to look at me like this all the time, he reminisced, always studying me. The blonde had asked him one time why he did it, but had never gotten a straight answer out of him.
 
What does he see when he states at me like this?
 
"JAAAADEEIIIIIIIIIITTEEEE!!!!!" That was unmistakably Rei’s angry voice. What had the short haired man done now to incur her wrath? When Kunzite burst out laughing, Zoisite knew that he’d had something to do with it.
 
“What did you do?” Kunzite’s revenges were always extremely creative and highly amusing as long as you weren’t on the receiving end of them. A smile was tugging at Zoisite’s lips at the site before him. Kunzite had always looked more relaxed when he smiled and let loose like his. He was, simply put, beautiful and the younger man had always enjoyed seeing him like this.

Seeing the smile on Zoisite's face made Kunzite's heart swell with warmth. He stopped laughing, eyes locked onto Zoisite's striking green ones. "I...um..." Kunzite paused, unable to form a complete sentence. There were so many words he wanted to say, but had no idea how to say them.

'Stop this. You don't deserve this, remember?'

Kunzite inhaled sharply. "I took one of Jadeite's magazine's and put it on the wall by Rei's room," he said, as if it were no big deal. "Anyway, I should get going. See you around."

Before embarrassing himself further, Kunzite turned with a flutter of his cape and walked away.

Stupid. He should have known better than to open his mouth. What right did he have to be so familiar with Kunzite again?
 
Part of him wanted to reach out and grab Kunzite, stop him from leaving, but a larger part of him held back. It had been great to see Kunzite smiling as he had, not realizing how much he had missed it when he no longer saw it every day.
 
Maybe that’s all he was going to get; little snatches like this. He would learn to be happy with them, to live from moment to moment. He could do that he would survive. Pulling back, he closed his door resting against it as he rubbed his face in his hands. He could do this.